No offense but I don't really care what you say anymore, cause I don't even think anything you say is true. You don't know how much pain you inflict on me, you don't know how much I'm hurting, how stupid you sound trying to prove yourself right even though you know you're wrong - if you're trying to prove a point that's not true don't bother, I'm still standing here taking all this - taking all this pain because I love you. I'm trying to make things work but you can't keep hurting me. All you ever do is give up when the whole world falls, you aren't going to get anywhere by just quitting. It seems like I'm the man in the relationship because all I'm trying to do is fix things and your not even making the effort.
|
Happy Half A Year.
bop to the top
These six months have been a roller coaster ride to me. Sometimes we keep going up and down, up and down until I feel sick to my stomach. I've never been in a serious relationship before, yet fall in love with somebody before and I've never hurt this much before. This is all part of the ride with no steering at all . You never know what's going to happen next. Even through all the arguments , tears , no trust and heartbreak the easiest thing to do for both of us is to leave. No matter how many times my head tells me to leave , I also and always acknowledge my heart - Stay Ria, stay you've been in this for so long , fighting. Sometimes I wish I had a stronger back bone to keep me up through all this drama, I wish I never broke down easily or at least have the balls to finally give in and trust you but it takes a while, a long ass while for me to cooperate with my heart. I respect you the most because no guy was willing to wait for me to trust them, if i don't trust them they'll dip. My trust is a test, not just any test - it's a test for happiness and the future. I want to know if you'd be down for me and if you'll take advantage of it , if there's a little too much. I never ever want to stop you from being happy, we're just too stubborn to realize it . I honestly don't care if you go drink, go blaze, go out with your friends as long as you don't take advantage of my trust. I made a mistake and I fucked up the other day, I know it - I did it out of a spite and only spite. I wouldn't do anything you wouldn't do. Sometimes I feel like the whole world is putting weight on this relationship , because they don't have what he have. Nobody will ever have what we had . It's always like I'm in competition with your world, and sometimes it feels like I lost and barely even touched the finish line because a hundred people tried lapping me. My previous blogs before have been about my trust being from one to a hundred percent with you, but I'm sorry that was my fault. I've always had so many misconceptions with trust and love, and finally I've realized that they're two different things. Kind of like being in love and just plain old love there is a difference. I'm in love with you Michael Manalo and always will be. We faced so many obstacles that included are past and we're still trying to get through it, as I said the easiest thing to do is leave but the hardest thing is to forgive, forget and let go. That's what I can't do all the time, because I've been forgiving, forgetting and letting go half my life that it hurts to even try doing it again. I've finally apologized and let go even though it was killing me inside yesterday, even if it was through text. My number one fear in my life right now is losing you and it'll always be that until you prove to me you can be the one I can rely on and trust. I sacrificed a lot so we can be together, even if it means cutting off some friends because you showed me what the meaning of real and fake is. Your beyond real and that's what I like about you. Don't get me wrong but I know at times you may think that I don't think for myself because I need people's advice, but I take bits of there knowledge of there past relationships and put it into my knowledge because I'm so noob at this whole relationship ordeal and sometimes I just need somebody to talk to. I've never felt so comfortable in my life with a guy and I'm at happiest with relationships, your my best friend and that's what I love about us. Your the only one I lost my all too, your the only one I sleep with and wake up to you in the morning, your the one who sees me at my worst. your the one who sees me at my best. You may have fallen in love before but I know it isn't the same, what we have is different . As I always say, I don't care who loves you first , I love you now and that's what matters. Everyday I'm fighting for you and I'll continue to fight for you cause love is a battle
field. I hope we enjoy our six months , regardless of my stupid vomiting, my stupid ankle and the rain.
Love always, Ria .
|
Deep down inside a monster is eating up, I'm too caught up in trying to find out what will hurt me
and i'm not paying attention to what won't. Trust me, if you were in my situation you would cry every single night. But I won't , cause i'm better than that. Even if I may not cry, I'm hurting so much. It's hurting so much that I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I try to laugh and smile, but it's all a lie. You always say " why can't you just let the past go? it's before you were in high school , it was before we went out " are you fucking stupid, i know that. AN ex is an ex and it's just not fucking right. I may be younger than you, but i'm not stupid - i know what cross the line means, i know what things can happen. Even your friends think it's weird, if you were in my situation you would be hurting so damn much. Having to lie in bed, thinking about all the possible worst case scenarios that could happen. I WANT to trust you, Honest to God, Swear to God, Swear on US, Swear on my family. But this isn't making it all that easy to trust you. We've been together six months straight and I can't even TRUST you. Every argument that we have is just repeating itself, i'm talking in circles - constantly eating up my own words. There's no point in arguing cause i can't say anything, cause you don't understand. YOU don't understand how much it hurts.
|
To Trust or Not to Trust?
bop to the top
Today went by like the summer breeze fading away, me and the boyfriend
went to downtown today after school and looked around for clothes. The best part was when we chilled at Indigo cuddling in a corner reading books. There was a book signing so we decided to go to the other Indigo and read there :) On friday me and him are going shopping and I'm finally going to buy that dress i've been eyeing down. Actually Michael's been eyeing it down : )
Xoxo.
|
I never ever want you to feel this way.
Just listen to me and trust me.
The littlest things make my day.
|
Holla, New year.
bop to the top
I'm so blessed that me and my boyfriend fixed our problems, last night.
I can't lie, we both ended up tearing up and this is the first time i ever spilled
a soul to somebody. His mom also talked to us to reassure us " Don't look back, move forward"
that's what she said to me and i'm going to try to take that advice and use it. I've always thought in every relationship i've had in my life there MUST always going to be a catch if it's going well . Cause it's too good to be true, If it's too good to be true, than I guess I'm doing something right. Right? God is finally giving me a break telling to put my feet up and enjoy this relationship and hold on to it no matter what. Letting go and giving up isn't the solution to everything. If you love somebody you got to make it work. I'm still scared to give my all to someone significant cause I'm scared I'm going to have nothing at the end, so i'm still keeping one foot on the ground. Trust IS the biggest issue in this relationship and I take my time to fully trust someone in case I get hurt at the end, I don't want to be too comfortable though. I no longer want to label myself as second place cause, it's me - all or nothing. Take me as I am and I'm not changing for nobody, I'm tired of trying to compete with your past. Cause she's not in your life, I am. There's a reason why she isn't and just so you know I can treat you so much better. It doesn't matter if she loved you first, or loved you second. I love you now and that's all that matters. I'm your number one, and i'm finally fucking happy.
|
"This here is on some truthful shit
It seems like everything I do, your used to it
And I hate hearing stories bout who you've been with
Swear I gotta hide, what I'm feeling inside
-Feel like I'm in crazy competition with the past
This why I gotta ask, is anything I'm doing brand new?"
Drizzy understands me.
That's kind of self explanatory, I'm trying to be as understanding as possible
so you can be happy. But it's killing me. I'm sorry I care more than your ex - girlfriends do, I'm sorry that I'm not the kind of girl who is easy and won't give in easily, I hate being compared so don't fucking compare me cause I ain't like them, I'm not the type to cheat or sleep around - I'm not using you as an accessory or somebody to just walk around the mall with and just link your arm to show off to my friends , I'm NOT like that. I'm not going to stay around keeping my speed to second place material, I'm in it to be number one and to be a real thing not just a sleezy fling or sloppy second. I bet your ex - girlfriends are reading this, but I don't give a fuck. I honestly don't give two shits. Cry if you like. I don't even know why i'm still talking about this, it's almost half a year and i'm still on this second place, phase. Step into my shoes for one day and try to imagine yourself pleasing yourself , your hard to please. I'm not a jester, so i'm not good at entertaining - I hate when you aren't smiling. But try to be in my situation, let's trade places and see how it feels to always be second place in your fucking life. I want to put this behind me , but we got to be in this together.
|
i love my bestfriend's nicole marcelo,
kevin deocompo and most of all my boyfriend
and his mom. the last few days of summer we've got it
all planned - on the weekend i'm heading to the trailer again
with boyfriend and his cousins ♥ me and nicole were front row few days ago to the jonas brothers concert , we weren't big fans but we were so fucking close. ugh, i've been lazy to write blogs lately - i'm fucking hungry atm and my boyfriend's taking a shower and nicole and kevin are canoodling on the bed ;) LOL just joking ;)
|
| |
