I really don't know what to feel right now, my emotions aren't negative - yet they're not positive.
So my rants start from here:
1) I'm starving, no I'm not food deprived I eat tons. I'm waiting for my mother to finish cooking, but it's taking forever.
2) I didn't go to night school tonight because I totally forgot it was today and I had a big chapter test. So my mother called the school for me.
3) Michael Manalo is leaving me to go to Buffalo today, to go shopping (What a girl) But he surprised me , by buying me ice cream which almost landed on him today. By accident .. Haha, his fault. I miss you.
4) Me and my best friend Aaron Torres were talking about a fag who's arguments never go anywhere and a fag who was totally contradicting himself. Stupid man whore, but thanks for making me feel better Aaron :)
5) I'm waiting for my other best friend Nicole Reyes, to get off work so I can rant to her about all the above.
6) I finally got my food (:
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i'm kinda bummed out , but that's cool.
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under major construction.
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Great day, nuff ' said. Got my semi outfit, mad steezy.
Spent quality time with my loves and went to eat at Woo's and chilled at Sunset beach playing truth or dare.
P.S: I love you Michael Manalo.
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Life slowly progressed with relationships, family and modeling. But school, not so much - But I'll get there, trust me. Time apart from each other is all we really needed, trying out new things and facing new obstacles seemed mandatory for us to realize if we were meant to be. But we're always going to end up running back to each other. We can't keep relying on temporary highs and early morning hangovers to bring us together, what we really need is each other. Nobody else, but each other. I had many epiphany's these past few weeks. Coming to realization that people hide behind there pride to get where they want to be, I can't deal with anymore egotistic fucks. (You were never cracked up to what everybody says you'd be anyways) Coming to realization, that crying doesn't bring back people you lost - but only makes them feel farther, Coming to realization , that friends come and go - but never chase after them. This whole experience made me think twice about the decisions I make, before I even make them and it got me closer to a few love ones <3
P.S : I found my Initial D card ;) I missed my non stock mr2 - but I kinda wanna change cars. But I STILL think I'm going through a phase as Aaron Torres says. Michael Manalo don't kill me but i'm starting to like DC2's !
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super bad chicks give me mc'lovin.
bop to the top
Overall, yesterday was a good day. I came to realize that not seeing each other for a matter of three days isn't so bad after all. Even though you're over tiring yourself and making coffee for people, we still got to text each other every second and update each other about what we're doing. I love missing you, I thought I'd be sad - but when I see you it's going to give me the thrill. The " I can't wait to see you" thrill ! After our whole situation last week I thought we'd be different and you'd find somebody to replace me or you'd try your hardest to get rid of me - But no, everything's better .. everything is way better than before. If we couldn't fix our mistakes back then we can fix it now. Baby, you're the best.
Pretty stoked to see you today after your work and play some Initial D.
Love, Love, Loves You <3
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i'll watch the world and melt with you.
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Today was different , similar to yesterday though- we usually see each other every single day of our lives and wake up right beside each other. Now I can say, I miss you and I really want your hug right now. I had trouble sleeping last night, knowing you weren't beside me. Thanks for being so good to me, through out everything.
I love you.
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i'll watch the world and melt with you.
bop to the top
Today was different , similar to yesterday though- we usually see each other every single day of our lives and wake up right beside each other. Now I can say, I miss you and I really want your hug right now. I had trouble sleeping last night, knowing you weren't beside me. Thanks for being so good to me, through out everything.
I love you.
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Two can play the same game.
bop to the top
Is it wrong that I'm highly allergic to bullshit, especially yours ? Apparently, it isn't. I'm so tired of being nice and sucking things in - I'm not the definition of fake so why would I put on a mask and pretend to like you. From day one I didn't like you and I will never like you. Is that your mission to destruct relationships and make people assume? Well, two can always play the same game. You strongly believe in karma, so why don't I make the mix - you just have to add the ingredients, honey. Time to take off these gloves and to release these claws ;)
ex's and no oh's.
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Have you ever had the feeling that your life is slowly coming to an end? That feeling when you don't even want to wake up anymore or do something productive with you're life? That's how I feel right now, I'm pretty much damaged. I can't bear to wake up and smile and not think about the good day ahead of me any longer. The happy sparkle in my eye is replaced with insomnia and fear. I no longer feel wanted or loved. It's quite ridiculous, I wanted this and this is what I get in return? Delightful, goes to show you can never get what you want and you're always landed with something you don't want at all. My actions towards everything aren't the same, I don't smile at the same things anymore ... I can't laugh without thinking twice. This isn't me. I keep looking back at the bad memories that I experienced. Not only do I look BACK at them, I dwell on them. Then I look at all the mistakes that I did, but one thing I never did was lie. I feel so degraded, I'm no comparison to some of your past, maybe even the ones after me. I always have to look a certain way, or feel a certain way. I'm being somebody I'm not. I can count over a hundred people that constantly tell me I deserve so much more, but they're lying - I don't. If anything I deserve something less, I'm not worthy of anything right now. I'm w o r t h l e s s. Sometimes I wish I was in an other persons shoes because they make things look so easy, sometimes I wish you were in my shoes so you can feel what I feel. I honestly don't know how I'm withstanding all of this, I hope the pain will go away sooner or later, I can't say that none of this is my fault.. Most of it is, it always is. This is for the times I stayed up all night , waiting for your call and you never answered. This is for the times I worried when you didn't answer my text, This is for the times I worried because I'm scared you're going to change your mind about me and easily walk over to the other room in a second. This is for the times I tasted my tears when we were fighting and pray to God that the fight would just end, This is for the times I felt so insecure about myself, This is for the times I loved & I cared and I never ever wanted to lose you - especially to another girl. This is for the times that I started being the worst girlfriend in the world and I can't ever manage to make you happy.
Why am I writing this? It's not like we're official.
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Fuck , I screwed up. How did I get here? Cause I was selfish. Instead of spending my time with you, I wanted to go partying and try to forget about our fights, so maybe I can gradually forget about you. Never will I ever, forget about you. Here's the biggest problem that I have, I make actions but I don't think about the consequences after these actions I make. Like, since when did I party? What the hell? Never. We're always going to end up running back to each other. We're stronger than that - to let people get in between us. Nothing gets in between us, I'm truly blessed that you're still beside me everyday. I'm blessed that regardless, you're feelings are still there and kept in place. Two wrongs never make any rights, ever. I shouldn't have retaliated to what you did to me before, until the situation goes overboard , like it did. I mean right now, we both know where we stand. I'm still yours, and your still mine. Just without a title, I hope that doesn't become a factor in our relationship. I hope, I'm not replaceable. It's a fresh start, we must start fresh. We can't keep holding grudges, and we can't keep having this guilt in our hearts. I love you and that's all that matters. Let's give this time to heal and see where the wind takes us.
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I would never do anything that would jeopardize our relationship, ever. So don't tell me I can't stay loyal, cause I never cheated in my life and I wouldn't cause I know how it feels. I mean so what? If the past is on full affect at the moment, but it doesn't mean anything. You know why? Because I'm never dishonest, I tell you every single thing I do. You're number stored on my phone is like my own personal twitter. What you feel right now, is how I felt before - Insecure, insecure that you're going to lose me right? That's not going to happen. Who cares if somebody else likes me? We've been through this before, I've realized it doesn't matter if somebody has a place in their heart for you - as long as you're loyal to me and ONLY me. I would've trusted you more, if you didn't lie to me .. It was in the beginning so what? The beginning makes up for everything, the beginning shows me that you're worthy to become somebody i can trust. I want to release all this stress, and all this hurting from my heart because I swear it's killing me.
<3
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Go ahead, Laugh - I'm having a rough time right now.
Aren't I always ? But I'm managing to get through it. Regardless of the senseless thoughts I have, regardless of how much my heart feels most of the time, I manage to smile. I just want to get through the day and at the end feel accomplished , not unsatisfied or worthless.
And sometimes I just wish I can drill a hole inside your head and peer into it and read your many thoughts. But it's okay sometimes i wish I couldn't tell what your thinking, sometimes your facial expressions make me cringe to what you're going to say next. Believe it or not, I'm still intimidated by you, and I still get those tingles in my stomach when you kiss me surprisingly. Haha, like today when I was washing the dishes and you came behind me but I caught you - I still got that tingle! But yeah , it's so hard to focus. I hope it's just temporary insanity nothing more. Anyways bloggers, i'm out - got a lot to do tomorrow , night :)
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Got one thing off my checklist today , Job hunting. I have an interview for Little Burgandy on Friday - Kinda nervous, fellas.
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It's time to set these books straight on the table, got to prioritize and get my mind set.
No more slacking, and no more lazy mornings where I don't even want to get up - if I want to be a better person , why don't at least try and gain momentum along the road? So done listening to other peoples advice and I'm so into trusting my own instinct. I'm so done accepting money from my parents , even IF they don't allow me to work .. I'm still trying to find a job. I'm not a people pleaser, but I like to please myself that's what I tell myself every single day. I'm tired of dishonesty and lies that sometimes I don't even know what's real or not. I'm so done trying to believe what I want to hear, I'm trying to not be so selective now a days. Get the fuck out of your dream Ria, and live it.
[ ] Get Health Card renewed
[ ] Get Passport renewed
[ ] Co - op every single fucking day
[ ] Finish Community Service Hours
[ ] Call that program shit with Kathrine
[ ] Study for nightschool exams/ test - finish homework.
[ ] Hand in Co - op work to Mr. Clemins
[ ] Hand in resumes to stores that called and said I could
[ ] Get back into Piano lessons/ Singing and Basketball
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"let's crawl back to love"
honestly, i just want to smile.
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I'm actually disappointed in myself, because I've spent so much time just taking in bull shit and not doing anything about it. What. The. Fuck. Let's bring back the claws.
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Better lock it down R, the clock is ticking.
ex's&ohs.
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the devil behind prada.
bop to the top
i can't keep pretending i'm not nice, this isn't me and this will never be me.
i'm not nice and will never be nice , see you later suckers.
xoxo.
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