Have you ever had the feeling that your life is slowly coming to an end? That feeling when you don't even want to wake up anymore or do something productive with you're life? That's how I feel right now, I'm pretty much damaged. I can't bear to wake up and smile and not think about the good day ahead of me any longer. The happy sparkle in my eye is replaced with insomnia and fear. I no longer feel wanted or loved. It's quite ridiculous, I wanted this and this is what I get in return? Delightful, goes to show you can never get what you want and you're always landed with something you don't want at all. My actions towards everything aren't the same, I don't smile at the same things anymore ... I can't laugh without thinking twice. This isn't me. I keep looking back at the bad memories that I experienced. Not only do I look BACK at them, I dwell on them. Then I look at all the mistakes that I did, but one thing I never did was lie. I feel so degraded, I'm no comparison to some of your past, maybe even the ones after me. I always have to look a certain way, or feel a certain way. I'm being somebody I'm not. I can count over a hundred people that constantly tell me I deserve so much more, but they're lying - I don't. If anything I deserve something less, I'm not worthy of anything right now. I'm w o r t h l e s s. Sometimes I wish I was in an other persons shoes because they make things look so easy, sometimes I wish you were in my shoes so you can feel what I feel. I honestly don't know how I'm withstanding all of this, I hope the pain will go away sooner or later, I can't say that none of this is my fault.. Most of it is, it always is. This is for the times I stayed up all night , waiting for your call and you never answered. This is for the times I worried when you didn't answer my text, This is for the times I worried because I'm scared you're going to change your mind about me and easily walk over to the other room in a second. This is for the times I tasted my tears when we were fighting and pray to God that the fight would just end, This is for the times I felt so insecure about myself, This is for the times I loved & I cared and I never ever wanted to lose you - especially to another girl. This is for the times that I started being the worst girlfriend in the world and I can't ever manage to make you happy.
Why am I writing this? It's not like we're official.
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